Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Single, but Not Lonely

Okay, I admit, I'm an obnoxious nerd who loves Star Wars, cars (especially old muscle cars), will argue out of anything and can cook. So... why am I single and why should I care? Do I really need to lower my standards?

I don't know the answer to the first part of the first question and my friends are starting to wonder if I'm a lesbian (since you know, I love sports... so dumb). Well, I'm straight and while I don't have incredibly high standards, most guys can meet the basics: like baseball and beer and don't stare at my boobs too long. I also like someone who can keep my interest for more than 5 minutes. Bullshit talk bores me and I tune out if all you do is talk about yourself. My cousin seems to think I need to dumb myself down. Yeah, I don't even know how to do that sober.

Should I care about this? Meh. Who cares? While my friends are married with kids (yes, I want that), I'm okay with just my dog. I love my dog. She doesn't let me down like most guys.

I don't find myself all that lonely anyway. I have my family and my friends and to me, that's all I really need.

And for the final question, no, I don't think I should lower my standards FOR ANYONE. That's just plain dumb.

At least I'm not a stalker, passively-aggressively talking/tweeting about me. Obsessed much? Sorry that I don't talk to you. You either:

1) Freak me out and want no part of you.
2) Have a significant other and you continue to bother me.
3) I can't stand to be around you.

Okay, enough of my rambling. Night.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Two Weeks Away. Please Leave.

Dear Ex-friend/lover,

It's 2 weeks before Opening Day and you're still here!! I beg of you on behalf of the Ranger Nation to please leave the country (preferably somewhere where you can't have access to MLB.com) until November.

Why, you ask? I have a lot of reasons but I'll give you just an important few that relates to baseball.

1. From 2002, when you started volunteering at the games, we only did so-so, but as fans, we still loved our Rangers. It wasn't until 2010, when you left for Saudi Arabia, we made it to the World Series. THE. WORLD. SERIES. I don't think that's a coincidence. But when you came back and watched it, they lost.

2. The last season, every time you watched a playoff game, they lost. You're just bad luck.

3. No one likes you.

So anyway, those are my top 3 reasons why you need to leave during baseball season. If you can't, at least give up watching the games. You can watch the Angels instead.... except when they play the Rangers. I'm just saying.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Kids Say The Darnest Things

My little 4 year old cousin was yelling from the back seat, "I want to play Chinese A-Pad." My mom was with me and we kept asking him what he was talking about and he got frustrated that we couldn't understand he was saying. After a while, he kept saying it and finally understood that he said "Chinese iPad." We thought it meant an app that taught him Chinese and he just got frustrated and yelled, "That's not what I said! I said 'Janie's iPad!!'"

I laughed so hard, I had to pull over and let someone else drive.

Monday, November 14, 2011

An Open Letter

Dear Married Asshole,

What part of "leave me alone" do you not get?!? Do I need to say it in a different language? Do you need a remedial class on what "leave me alone" means and all the context?

And we were never friends; so stop claiming we were. You were and always will be the biggest mistake I made in my twenties and I wish I never met you.

Stop saying you want me and that you'll leave your wife for me. You have never shown any other interest other than wanting to feel me up in the middle of lecture and to get in my pants. I'm sick of your lies and you, in general.

I would tell her everything, but you're such a good liar. I bet she even believes you when you tell her you love her, but then you told me the same thing repeatedly.

So please, for God sakes, leave me the fuck alone or I'm telling her. She really deserves to know how much of an asshole you really are.

Hatefully yours,

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Morning After App

If it's the morning after app, where the Plan B? SMH.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Taking a Break

I was talking to T-man about the break I took from Ranger buddy.

Me: What's sad is that I already got him his birthday present.

T-Bag: I thought the Ranger panties were the birthday gift. Ha ha.

Me: I also bought him tickets for when the Yankees play here...

T-Bag: Wow, that's legendary girlfriend stuff right there....

Sunday, March 13, 2011


If you leave you inhibitions at home, you have a lot more fun.